Singin' The Blues

From the quill of Thoomin' Bramble Pearson.

Dear Althus,
Thank you for your interest in singing the blues. Although I understand you spent some time in the southern isles, that alone may not be enough to consider a career change. Blues is a complicated and traditional part of Thoom music, and I hope here I can explain a bit to help you out here in exile. Feel free to contact me any time, but in answer to your question, no, the blues don't do no e-mail.

Gettin' Started
Many blues begin with you waking up this morning. After that, it is permissible to comment on your woman.
"I got a good woman" is not a good way to begin a blues. You got a good woman, why the hell you singin' the blues, boy? There is a way around this, though, by sticking something nasty in the second line. Something along the lines of "I got a good woman/With the meanest face in town/She got more warts than Prue/And she weigh 500 pound." Then you repeat it. We don't know why. You just do. If you have a woman, I would advise against singing a blues like that, for the sake of your continued well-being.

Gettin' Around
The first thing to remember is that the blues isn't about choice. Your cart stuck in a ditch today, your cart stuck in a ditch tomorrow - ain't no way out. Ships to exile, old wagons, and tired old horses are all the blues. Catamarans, horse-drawn carriages, and thoroughbred horses are not. You singin' blues about your horse chewing on its gold bridle, you in trouble.
Other permissible transportation includes pushing and chains for the fallen. Preferably in some lonely forest, a long way from home. Mystic teleportation just ain't cuttin' it.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues, as does fixin' to die and meeting the devil down at the crossroads. Runnin' away from island panthers, giant vermine, and other wildlife is also acceptable. Gettin' stuck in currents for 15 minutes coming back from Dal'noth is not not the blues. Just unfortunate.

Blues can take place in Puddleby, but not not on Kizmia's Island or the Foothills. Hard times on Nord Island is plain depressing, but hard times on Arin, in Mountain's Reach, or on the Serpent's Claws is the blues. Losing all your money on a vacation to Peaceton is just a pain in the butt. You cannot have the blues any place that don't get rain.
Good places for the blues: long windin' road, jail, empty bed, Purgatory, bottom of whiskey glass. Bad places: Puck's, any 4th circle fighter or healer room, anywhere past the Dread Pass (unless you're alone).

Who Can Sing The Blues?
Teenagers and schoolchildren cannot sing the blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Blues is for adults and adulthood means being old enough to get exiled for life if you shoot a man down in Mem'Fis.
Blues is not a race thing. Revelor cannot sing the blues. Phineas probably could. A man with male pattern baldness isn't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing on Nord Island is not the blues. Losing your leg to a rocodile in the swamp is.
You cannot wear a suit and sing the blues unless you happen to be 80 years old and you slept in it.
People with greatswords or purgatory pendants cannot sing the blues. Maybe your big ol' mean woman done sit down on it. We don't care. You ain't going nowhere with blues like that.
Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes if: you're older than dirt/you're blind/you shot a man down in Mem'Fis/you can't be satisfied. No if: you have all your own teeth/you once were blind but now can see/it turned out to be a flesh wound/ you have a retirement plan, clan pension, or bank account with over 10,000 coins in it.

If you asked for water and your baby done give you fish oil, it's the blues. Other acceptable beverages are: moonshine, whisky or bourbon, muddy water, black coffee. On no account ask for gin and tonic, cocktails, any wine that wasn't made in someone's garden shed, or chamomile tea.

Fixin' To Die
If it occurs in the Purple Tor inn, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another blues way to die. So is substance abuse or lonely on a broken down cot. Broken hearts are blues. Heart attacks are not. Neither are bizarre accidents that occur while mowing your lawn.

Your Name
Some blues names for women: Sadie, Bessie, Big Mama, Fat River Dumpling. Some blues names for men: Willie, Big Willie, Little Willie, Blind Willie. Persons with names like Sierra, Auburn, Rainbow, and Edward cannot sing the blues no matter if they take a crossbow to the men of Mem'Fis.
Make Your Own Blues Name
1) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Lame, Leadbelly, etc), size of person (Big, Little, Tall, Shorty, etc), or special ability (Howlin', Screamin', Mumblin', etc).
2) First name (as above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc).
3) Last name of [ooc: president/prime minister of the country you live in] (Jefferson, Washington, Macdonald etc).
Important Note: This system is not entirely foolproof. While Blind Lemon Jefferson is an excellent name for a bluesman, Big Strawberry Bush, while using the same procedure, sounds somewhat unsavory and is likely to get you insulted by the sort of people who would most appreciate your music.

Hope this helps. Now get off my tail, boy.

Thoomin' Bramble Pearson

[ooc: Apologies to whoever it was I blatantly stole this from. :) ]

Go back to my music.